Inside my Shell

When I feel threatened

When I feel rejected

When I feel scared of not being loved or liked anymore

When I feel scared of my own feelings of love and closeness towards others….


I retreat inside an invisible, protective, hard shell and leave the rest of the world outside. I cut the links, the connections that would normally help me being part of that world.

I isolate myself, I become the small island in the middle of the vast ocean that cannot be reached by anyone. 

It takes courage and an open, fearless heart to reach me on that far away island. Someone who doesn’t get swept away by my own pain. Someone who doesn’t let the “egotistic mind” come in between or interfere with their own selfless motives.


I remove myself from the external world until I find balance again; till I gain control over my own negative emotions.

Having control over my feelings and emotions makes me feel safer because when I don’t get too close emotionally I can remain detached and untouched (???) by other people feelings, by their own changeable moods.

Changes!!…is that what all this is about?


Preservation is not letting anyone come too close to see my vulnerability; it is also not wanting to see their weak spots and their vulnerabilities!! 


The memories I have of me growing up are of a child who often felt abandoned and pushed away, unloved if I showed….if I….what?! I think if I wanted to be myself, or if I went against what others felt it was best for me, maybe!

Little I knew as young person that they were reacting that way to protect their own unworthy feelings and shutting down the love, helped them escape that pain.


When the energy channel of love and affection was shut off during childhood and afterwards too, I felt punished without knowing why or what I have done to deserve it. Then like the victim who turns into the perpetrator I began to use the same punishment on myself by shutting out love within and without. Love had no way to enter or to go out.  


And that became a pattern that my mind has played with me since then. The believe that I must have done something wrong to be rejected was created and the more it was played out by the mind, the deeper it became.

Self-sabotage


Love feels good when is there to feel but when is blocked, shut off it makes you feel empty.  


This is what inspired  me to create this work.

 


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